*Crewed

Trees are perfect. They are comforting and powerful and noble and poignant and they go on and on. They hold the nests and feathers of birds and arch over streams to collect pieces of algae and pieces of love for the trouts. And they shade young hearts when fingers fit together like puzzle pieces and cheeks turn as red as the checkers of the picnic blanket beneath them. Bark reveals the memories of sunsets and meteor showers and campfires with starry eyes and perfect lips. Branches provide the poets of our generation with tools to write their words in the sand and in our thoughts. Leaves and flowers represent the changing seasons and fresh philosophy as the world blooms into beauty after weeks of coats and scarves. They remain fixed in their place with roots stretching around layers of bricks and dust and painted grass while the continents shift and buildings challenge the skyline. So many people try to be trees!

If it weren't for the people that I've met, I honestly don't know where I'd be.

I love lots of things. I despise many others.

But in all of this there is still room for absolute and overriding beauty,
there is still room for appreciation and for love and awe and wonder.


My idea of beauty has to do with everything.

I don't mean just outer beauty when I say beauty but I also think excluding outer beauty is just as stupid as excluding any other kind. Vision is our main sense, and a lot of what we feel is also what we see.


But outer beauty applies to a lot more than just people; the standards that people are judged by are skewed anyway. Outer beauty means everything- the sky, valleys, mountains, trees, grass, sunshine, castles, dresses, statues, paintings, sunflowers, bugs, rocks, the ocean.

I believe that it matters, but not enough to override other things.


How somebody looks doesn't determine their ability to change the world, or be a good friend, or learn how to do something. I think that external beauty matters intrinsically, but it doesn't influence the intrinsic value of other things, even though it may influence people's perceptions of it.

every once in a while i have days like this.

where everything is kind of fuzzy and i can't really pay attention to things. people talk to me and i hear them but i only understand like one out of every five words they say. i'll be somewhere and not really know why i'm there. i'll find myself looking for something but not actually knowing what i'm looking for. i feel like maybe i'm on something but i'm not.

i think i need more sleep.
it hasn't happened for a year or so, and back then i'd usually know it was coming because i'd start to have trouble sleeping. when it would come, i'd get at most an hour of sleep.

everything would feel too alive and wrong. sounds were too loud. smells too strong. colors too vivid.
i would usually read or watch movies. it got my mind away from things and into the story.
but that is only temporary.

or i'd go walking and try to convince myself how miraculous and beautiful everything is. i'd try to make myself really see the sky, really see everything. but it's really hard to keep those thoughts when you're feeling like that.

i still feel like everything is miraculous and beautiful. i think good things happened today actually. i'm just really confused. i don't know what's going on.



now you are supposed to make me feel better by saying something like, "don't worry, you're not crazy. i have days like that too."

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you


I've had this song stuck in my head for ages, maybe writing it down would help.

Anyway, I guess it's been almost a month since I last updated.. nothing has really happened. I'm taking a painting course this semester (not by choice), but it should be entertaining. Fingerpainting is the best!
Blahh.. I'm sick, with god knows what, and it's messing with my head, too. I couldn't find the flush on the toilet and started to freak out, but I was just looking on the wrong side. Who would've known? Journals are frustrating.. they make me feel so self centered.
SO i've decided to feature some of my favourite pieces from you guys, if it's okay with you. If not, just send me a little note, and I'll take it down asap.






clubs:

I miss being younger.
I miss the things I used to worry about.They weren't any easier but they made more sense.
I'm in my teens, and sometimes it's hard to believe I've gotten this far.
I'm just so ready to grow up and move out and find myself and worry about taxes and paying the mortgage
and start a career in my bungalow by the lake and only have to see people once a week to pick up some groceries
i don't want to be stuck here and have to listen to people's insignificant problems
like boys and makeup and clothes and hair
there's just so much more in the world than that, and i cant stand to see people pass it by
sometimes there is so much beauty in the world that i feel like i can't take it- like my heart is going to explode.



Clubs I am in: